Work Success

In the spirit of graduation and becoming an adult I am taking a class through my local workforce department called Work Success.  Many of the workshops are a review for me on how to find a job and all the little things we forget.

 

The class is wonderful for anyone struggling to find a job or create a resume.  The class goes over the correct way to interview as well as what should be included versus what should not.

 

It is not all workshops.  There is self-directed time where you can search for a job or work on your online profiles.  As a writer my online presence is important and writing blog posts is an integral part of that process.

 

The classes last eight hours a day, because looking is a full time job.  If you are lucky enough you will have a smaller class and the schedule is not as strict.  My class consists of two other people one of which is the instructor.  The class is informative and engaging.

 

I have applied to more jobs then I can possibly count.  There is a vast difference in waiting for a response from a career choice rather than another retail job.  Up until I graduated I have only ever applied to customer service retail positions.  I have never applied for a career that I want to do for some time.

 

We need money to survive and it is what drives and motivates us.

 

The class is also good for networking.  I encourage everyone to find a Work Success class if you are not working, or if you are looking for a job change.  Employers are constantly changing and evolving with the demands of social media and technology.  As potential job seekers we need to keep up or get left behind.  No employer wants to hire someone who is lagging.

 

I welcome the chance to learn and grow, because there is always something we do not know.  I have been able to fine-tune my resume and I have had access to countless job searching sites.  I hope everyone uses what is readily available in their community.

Poetry

• Climbing out of the depths of despair
• United in our tragedy
• We must help repair
• United in our agony

• My heart broke on 9/11 when I saw the towers crumble
• My heart bled for Columbine as I saw the children fall
• I saw the world humbled
• Individuals taking up the call

• My heart broke for Paris when I saw the lights go out
• My heart breaks for women who cannot fight back as they lay bleeding and broken
• My heart mourns the refugees though they do not give up hope

• My heart cried out in anger when the bombs in Boston went off
• I watched in horror as Lebanon was torn asunder
• Night after night the tears come as we mourn the loss
• Our fallen brothers and sisters in an endless slumber

• Through it all we stand tall
• United in our tragedy
• It will not take us

• My heart breaks for those sold to be a slave
• My heart breaks for the people who do not know the way
• Massacres in Africa stun us
• Suicide bombings in Iraq try to destroy us

• The Holocaust showed us pure evil
• My heart aches as I try to understand
• The true nature of people
• These attacks that are planned

• Our cries for help echo
• Everyone in despair
• Africa, Australia, North and South America
• Europe, Asia, Antarctica

• They will not break us
• We will stand for each other
• A world united  in tragedy
• A world united  in hope

Beyond Graduation

Nobody ever tells you what life is really like after graduation. People hint at it and you may think about it in the dark corners of your mind, but the reality is far different. I finally graduated in April. A day filled with celebration, excitement and accomplishment. I was high on life with the whole world before me.

Shortly after graduation I and my daughter headed to England for the summer. It was the best summer of my life. We did not do anything extraordinary because flying us out there had been a graduation present from my parents. It was the best summer of my life because I was stress free. I didn’t have the constant worry of coming back to school and wondering if I was ever going to graduate.

I strengthened my relationship with my mother and watched my daughter grow. She was confident and made friends. Often I wouldn’t see her for hours. I could always hear her through the open window but she didn’t come into the house unless she needed a drink. People ask me what I did all summer and sometimes I feel guilty saying I did nothing, but, instead I spent the summer recharging.

The summer flew by in a flash and before I knew it we were back home. Once home, reality hit me like a brick wall. I had no plan. I did not have school to fall back on and I didn’t know where to start. I suffered a serious anxiety attack that put me in the hospital. I ended up being fine and after some tests went home to rest, but the experience was eye opening.

Life after graduation is scary. I am constantly looking for a job that will support my family. I know it is time to move on from Utah, but I am not sure in which direction. Two degrees and I still struggle to find a job that utilizes my talents. I have faith I will find the right job, it is the waiting I struggle with. No one tells you the biggest obstacle after school is patience.

At times I miss college. I miss the friends I made and I miss the structure of every day. I miss the professors and the way they made you see problems in a new light. I miss watching other students go about their day and I miss waking up every morning with somewhere to go and something to do. Graduation is lonely. It is easy to get sucked into the depression calling my name but I won’t give in. I am strong and I have faith in my future.

Bullies

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  It has taken a while to write about, because of how emotionally taxing it is.  Just thinking about it can take me back to a very dark place and can make me want to curl up and hide.

Bullying can destroy us and make even the strongest person break down.  I was and still am bullied.  I have always been larger and it has only gotten worse by being bullied.

When I was a child I was thin and extremely active.  My mom could barely keep up with me.  That all changed in fifth grade.  I always assumed I was happy and well-adjusted, yet I slowly began to gain weight.  Subconsciously I was unhappy.  I had friends, but I knew they were not the best influence.  My mother would have been horrified to know who I hung out with.  They did drugs and drank, yet they seemed to accept me for me.  I never participated in the drugs, because even as unhappy as I was I still had been taught better.

I thought they could make me happy.  All schools have a bully, and mine decided I was the perfect target.  I was teased mercilessly and threatened.  I had no best friends in high school, even if I was friendly with many.  It started my freshmen year and still continues to this day by so called “adults”.

The bullying became so bad in high school I would hide in the bathroom or library.  I refused to go to lunch with everyone; because when I did I was teased to the point of tears.  If I did eat my lunch I would then immediately make myself throw up because it was something I could control.  It was something that happened almost every day.

I cried myself to sleep for four straight years and it got to the point where I tried to kill myself numerous times.  I was too afraid of the pain of dying and didn’t really want to die.  I just wanted a physical outlet for all the pain I was feeling.

Every day I dreaded going to school and enduring more abuse that would eat away at my self-esteem. It would drag me further into the dark pit of despair I was already in.  I joined the school plays and musicals as a way to make more friends and while everyone was friendly I still had no one I could confide in.  Being active in something kept me alive.  The people I hung out with, kept me alive, because they didn’t care about my flaws.  My mother kept me alive, because I knew I couldn’t leave her.

I didn’t live, but I survived.  I survived the emotional abuse.

I pray every single day that my daughter will never have to endure the pain I went through.  I strive to tell her everyday how smart and beautiful she is and no one can ever tell her different.

I am an adult and I still struggle with bullies and with feeling not good enough.  Adults, who do not teach their children to be kind and respectful, create more bullies for this broken world.

I now have an amazing little girl who never judges me or thinks I am not good enough.  She loves me because I am her mom.  I have to be there for her and to protect her.  I survived for her even if I didn’t know it at the time.

The daily struggle is real and we never lose that feeling of worthlessness, but we learn to become stronger then it.  We learn that there is hope, even if it is small and we learn to rely on others.  My mother saved me, because I finally had the courage to tell her I was hurting.  She did everything she could to get me the help I needed.  That small spark of understanding is what it took for me to continue on.

I am not perfect and I will never be, but I can say that I am happier.

One Year

Going through my old blog posts and reminiscing, I realized I have had my blog for just over a year.  My life is not terribly exciting yet so sometimes it is a struggle to find things to write about.

Sometimes it seems as if my life has not changed much at all, but then looking back on the past year it becomes clear that is not true.

I started my last two semesters of school, a new job, I got a new car, saw my best friend married and watched my baby grow.

At times the depression during this last year was so crippling I just wanted to curl into a ball and sob until I had no more tears.  Anyone who struggles with depression knows that does not work and often makes it worse.  I kept going because I had to.  My daughter needed me to be strong and present for her.  My job needed me to pay attention and show up.  There were errands that needed running, and chores to be done.

It was a year of growth and of finding how to continue on and not give in, no matter the amount of physical pain or the level of depression.  There are still moments of crippling depression and as I get closer and closer to the end of school it is happening more and more.  It terrifies me to think of what the next year will bring and with it more change.

The Critic

We are our own worst critic.  I try to live my life without regrets and ensure I do everything I can to be happy with my choices, but I am human and often forget.

There are moments that come back to haunt me when I should have said something different, or in most cases not have said anything at all.  It’s important to realize we have made a mistake and to apologize when it happens.

Words tend to pour out of my mouth before I think and it is a habit I am constantly trying to work on.  It often gets forgotten until someone brings it up.  No matter how gently, it is embarrassing and still makes you feel as if you are not up to par in their eyes.

Sometimes writing it all down is the only way to get past those feelings.  I don’t believe we ever truly get over them, but we do learn and move on from them.  I have a nasty habit of going over every single one in my head and cringing, even though if you ask whoever else was involved they have probably forgotten all about it.

There are benefits to receiving criticism. The main one is that we have a chance to change our behavior and become a better-rounded individual.  If we didn’t make mistakes, we would never have a chance to grow, and that is something worth learning despite the embarrassment.

Magical Moments

Well that most magical of moments finally happened.  I registered for my very last semester of college.  I never thought it would happen.  As I was registering my hands started to shake and I thought I was going to pass out at any moment.

It is hard to explain the rush of emotions.  For the first time ever I want to walk across that stage and show the world I did it.  It is euphoric and terrifying in the same breath.

I have learned so much these four and a half years at school; everything from politics to life in general.  I cried myself to sleep too many times to count and thought about quitting more than that.  My depression hit an all-time low the first class I failed and then bounced around like a ping pong ball on speed.

I try not to think too closely about what comes after school because I want to cry each time.  Will I stay where I am? Will I move to another country? What kind of job?  Am I ready to write hard news stories that will cause controversy?

These questions and more keep me awake at night tossing and turning, wondering if I am ready and what I have to look forward to in my future.  I know things will work out how they are supposed to and I have been blessed to have received an education.

I will miss those close friends that I had most of my classes with.  I am going to miss those teachers that made you want to come to class. They made it fun and engaging.  The lesson was not always on topic, but it was a lesson worth learning for the rest of your life.  I will miss those moments of clarity and acceptance.

Most of all I will miss the security that school brings.  It was a safe place that I could go and learn, or hang out.  It was a place that made me feel welcome and encouraged.  It was a place that taught me to accept others as they are because everyone has something to offer this world.  College was a place that taught me to have an opinion and to fight for that opinion.

College made me grow up and for that I will always be grateful.

Professors

The most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is the fact that I have survived the first few weeks of school.  I am a lot less stressed and I am supposed to graduate in less than nine months.  It isn’t hard to survive at this point since I have been surviving for almost five years now.

I am taking a political communication class which is interesting, because of the professor.  While teaching he wanders around the room, sitting and even laying on random desks.  He also has a way of making the subject matter stimulating rather than just lecturing us and expecting us not to fall asleep.    The most random things come out of his mouth.

Two of my classes are anthropology ones.  One is Andean religion and the other is theory.  Sometimes I wonder what the crap I was thinking to make Anthropology one of my majors.  There are times however where I understand what is being said, and remember why I love this subject and why I wanted to go into it.

It is one of the most fascinating things to study other people, their cultures and question why they do what they do.  My professor for both of those classes is so knowledgeable it sometimes hurts my head.  I feel as if sometimes he is speaking a foreign language when he teaches. It is easy to become engrossed in the subject and want to learn more because of the passion he shows when teaching.

My last two professors are the droll, lecturing types that you come to expect after almost five years of going to school.  I suppose you have to take the bad with the good and at least I have some interesting ones to break up my day.

The days I don’t go to school, my daughter has preschool and dance, both of which she loves and is helping her to be more outgoing.  She finally has an outlet for all of her energy and I have noticed a huge change in her behavior.  The weekends are not spent yelling at her because she is bored and getting into trouble, but rather she is happy to relax and practice her dance moves.

Nine Months

Tomorrow begins the craziest nine months of my life. I am only nine months away from graduating. I tried to ignore the fact that I had only a year left at the beginning of the summer.  As it comes closer to ending I thought about the summer.  This summer was full of learning, teaching and making new, lasting relationships.

I learned to love myself. I learned to be grateful for everything I have and work for it because it can be gone in an instant. I learned to be patient and when to ask for help. I have learned that the Lord is always watching out for me and never forgets me even when I may have forgotten to thank Him. I learned to be more understanding of different people’s views and beliefs.

I learned that I work for some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They have become like family to me. They have strengthened me and helped me to see my potential and that I can do whatever I want in life. They have become my role models and make me want to do better for myself and my daughter.

It was a summer of discovering who I am and what I am capable of. I may not have taken any trips, but this summer I learned more about myself and who I can become.

The coming months of school are going to be my hardest, but I am looking forward to the challenge. I am looking forward to growing more as a person and pushing myself to be the best I can be. I want to graduate at the top of my class. It will be tough, but I know it can be accomplished. I have an amazing support system and I can’t wait to see what I can do.

Where Have I Been?

Radio silence. I’m not sure where the summer has gone, but it has not gone the way I planned. I wanted to check things off my list, have some sound advice and things to do. I even made a list and calendars counting down how many days I had left of summer.

Without realizing it, I have whittled away time until I have a month left of summer. It never seemed to pass this quickly when I was traveling and exploring castles in the summers. Working 40 hours a week and spending free time with my baby has somehow made my summer disappear like a cloud of smoke.

I have loved every minute with my daughter, except I was hoping to explore the wonders of Utah with her. In hindsight I realize that she is happier spending time with me giving her my full attention than anything we could be doing.

As I am writing this she is snuggled up against me.  Instead of the list of cleaning things I had written down to do today we have been taking turns playing games, reading books and singing Disney songs on the radio.

I will never have enough time in my life to accomplish everything I wish I could, and I suppose the point to everything is figuring out what is important and focusing on that. My little girl will always be my baby but she certainly won’t be little for much longer.  Right now the most important thing is to spend time with her and make sure she grows up knowing I love her and she can do and be whatever she wants someday.

Life is all about the choices we make and where those choices will lead us. I am making the choice to put my daughter first. I know someday I won’t be nearly as busy as I am know, and maybe then we can go exploring and enjoy the adventures I have planned together.

My bucket list will never be finished considering I’m always adding stuff to it.  As long as I am enjoying life it doesn’t matter if I don’t get everything checked off.